STRICTLY FOR THE LADIES: BECOMING THE WOMAN OF HIS DREAMS BY FELA DUROTOYE
Ladies, why do you want to get married?
Is it because you’ve fantasized about the wedding day, or is it because your friends are getting married, or could it be pressure from family and friends who constantly remind you of the ticking of your biological clock? I assure you that those are all the wrong reasons to get married.
To many women fantasize about the WEDDING DAY, and don’t prepare for the MARRIAGE.
The truth is, the marriage begins when the wedding ends.
So why then should you get married?
Forget the fairy tales, marriage is a covenant of two imperfect people coming together, committing their lives together forever, to create a union under God.
So what are the steps to getting the man of your dreams?
Step 1: Be the right woman:
What kind of wife would your dream husband be looking for?
Single ladies; please remember that as a woman thinks in her heart, so she “is”; not will be. Simply put, your thoughts, values, habits and words can tell any man, the kind of wife that you “are”, even though you are not married yet.
Step 2: Become a wife, while you’re waiting for a husband
Ladies, please recognize that “guys DATE chics and then go on to MARRY wives”. If the truth be told, there are too many Christian chics and too few Christian wives (or “wife material”) in Church today. Ask yourself, “am I a chic or a wife?” Who must I BE to attract who I WANT. Sweetheart, the man of your dreams isn’t hanging around in a bar or at a club, so what are you doing there?
Step 3: Who must be to attract who I want?
Write down the list of qualities that you want your husband to have. Now look at that list carefully. What have you written? God fearing, Intelligent, Good Communicator, Gainfully employed, Clean, Fun, has a car, apartment, has money etc.
Now, ask yourself, does your list consist more of “what he has” or “who he is”? If it’s driven by what he has, then, you may be driven by the external props and anybody can fake that. “Sharp” guys can borrow their friends’ cars, apartment, money etc, but the intangibles of “who he is” cannot be faked. Character, truth, integrity, passion can’t be faked.
If you want a God fearing man, are you God fearing? If you want an intelligent man, can you hold up your end of a conversation? You want a man who’s gainfully employed, do you have a job?
When I began dating Tara, I was quick to inform her that I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, but a wife. She thought that was the most unromantic thing I’d ever said, but she appreciated the fact that I was honest with her from the get go. Ladies, marry a man for “who he is”…even if the world hasn’t seen it yet; rather than for “what he has”, because what he has can be taken away from him, but who he is will be all that’s left.
When Tara and I began dating, I was living in a small “one room, room” where I had to share a communal toilet and bathroom with several families (one of my cooks used to be my neighbor). All my property (TV, electronics fridge, and other appliances) had been sown by instruction to build a campus ministry in OAU, Ife, called Eden. All I had left was a cane dustbin, a mattress and a carpet with a hole in the middle (which the bed thankfully covered).
But there was much more to me than what I didn’t seem to have. I was always talking about my vision, what our life would be, where I was taking her to and I was also TAKING ACTION STEPS to get us there. Ladies, beware of the man who only talks the talk, but doesn’t WALK THE WALK! He must have corresponding action with his words.
Sometime ago, about 3 years ago, Tara and I were invited to a TV interview, and the host asked me what was imperative for women to look for in a man. I remember saying. “Don’t marry a man for his “television”, marry a man who has vision and one day; his vision will put you on television”!
So ladies, please understand that there are 3 types of men:
1. The Scavenger: The scavenger is a man who capitalizes on a “dead” and “lifeless” woman. Scavengers look for women with low self – esteem, filled with pity and act like victims of life. These men prefer ladies with no inner strength that are always begging for sympathy or for someone, anyone to love them. Scavengers enjoy “no resistance” as they ravage their victims. If you’re like me, I enjoy watching Discovery Channel and Animal Planet on DSTV. I’ve discovered that in the animal kingdom, scavengers include animals like the hyena and the vulture. If you notice, these scavengers often look for the weak, sick or young, helpless animals that offer the least resistance.
Are you attracting scavengers? If you are, you need to shore up your self confidence and self esteem.
2. The Hunter: The hunter seeks to trap a luscious “game”, with the sole intention of devouring her; with only a remnant of a carcass. He looks for a beautiful intelligent woman, whom he considers to be a prize possession. This guy isn’t in the hunt, just to fulfill his desires, no, he’s after what hunters regard as “BIG GAME”. He’s looking for the “Big 5”. These are the 5 most difficult animals to catch on foot. The collection consists of the lion, the African elephant, the African Buffalo, the leopard and the rhinoceros, either the black rhinoceros or the white rhinoceros. The members of the big five were chosen for the difficulty in hunting them.
He’s inspired by the thrill of the chase. The more she runs, the more enticing she becomes. He only wants her as a prize. When the hunter overcomes his quarry, the first thing he does is to decapitate it. Once beheaded, it is skinned and dried and then placed as a trophy on his wall to brag about. Does this sound familiar? The hunter finally gets the girl, eliminates her self esteem and causes her to be a shadow of herself. He kills her dreams, business ideas and her passion. Do you know any hunters? They’re only in for the kill!
3. The Gardener: Now, this is God’s intention for what a husband should be! This man sees his wife as a seed. He recognizes that a seed is a tree in disguise! His responsibility is to nurture and bring out the best from her. One of the things a gardener does is to create the right environment for the seed to grow.
He nurtures her in an environment of love and care. Next, after planting, he waters her. What that means is that he’s concerned about her dreams; he wants to know what makes her tick. He takes her dreams and gives them expression; he puts structure and substance to her ideas. When he talks about her dreams, he uses the plural of “we”. He takes personal responsibility for the accomplishment of her dreams. He also removes weeds around her. He gets rid of all negative associations that are around her.
Another thing the gardener does is to prune her. Pruning means to “cut back”. So he cuts back her excesses. It reminds me of those wall plants that grow so long, over other fences and eventually becomes a nuisance to everyone. Sometimes, cutting back is a painful process to the plant, but it is necessary for the plant to develop the tenacity for explosive growth. He cuts excessive, improper behavior, value systems and friendships. But this in all is done in love with the aim to make her better. He enlightens and encourages her to be all that she can be, to do all that she can do and to enjoy all that she can have.
The wife of a gardener is like the path of the righteous; she shines brighter and brighter. She never has a better last year. She’s always growing and glowing with new ideas, new projects and new levels. Her testimonies are full of promotion, profit and new experiences. Her life is every inch, the dream of other women.
Clearly, what all these 3 kinds of men seek in their dreams is as far apart as the east is from the west. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think God created man to be a hunter or scavenger. My Bible tells me in the Book of Genesis that the man God created and formed was assigned to tend the GARDEN of Eden. This tells me that the first man was clearly designed and wired to be a gardener and it was that man God thought shouldn’t be alone.
As far as I’m concerned, every hunter & scavenger deserves to be a bachelor until they change their values, desires and dreams. I certainly hope that I can speak for all gardeners in this article.
The evidence of a good gardener is his GARDEN. Take a look at my garden – TARA, and you can tell if I am a good gardener. And even though I know there’s great room for improving my gardening skills. #DoExploits